X - The Unknown
by scousemuz1k
Summary: Tony's wandering thoughts while facing the Great Unknown


**AN: I sometimes think my favourite three dots device for an unfinished thought must drive readers daft, but I like it, and persist in using it. Lots in this bit of woolly rambling...**

**I know Tony-doesn't-think-he's-going-to-be-rescued stories have been done before – I've read some very good ones – didn't stop me doing my take on the subject. And Veeps, I know you're mulling over a cliff story, but honestly, I've not nicked anything, love!**

X – The Unknown

By scousemuz1k

Daylight through his eyelids... again. He'd been through this yesterday. When he'd drifted off to sleep, staring vaguely at the crescent moon in the night sky, he'd honestly thought that was it. Job done, no need to fear anything anymore, it was happening anyway. Now, morning... he was still here.

Check... sea sound distant, not close, tide out. Not that it mattered; he was above the high water line, and even if the tibia broken above his right ankle would let him crawl in any direction, that didn't matter either... one lot of rocks was just the same as another. Except for the ones behind him, of course, the ones he'd been pushed down; they might have been scalable with two good arms and legs, but he doubted it. He was better off here, where at least he could reach the drips of earthy-tasting fresh water that trickled down the boulder beside him. Whatever did kill him in the end, it wouldn't be thirst. He reached out with his good hand, and caught a few drops to swallow. Getting a drink was a long-winded business. Hey... he had all the time in the world.

He raised his head with an effort; yay, his toes were still pink. Circulation fine... his leg wasn't going to drop off, not while he was still alive, anyway. Another thing that wasn't going to get him was gangrene. He carefully raised his right arm and peered at his hand. Yep, fingers pink too – he had a feeling his wrist was only wrenched, not actually broken. He really hoped he'd done the other guys some serious damage.

Seemed like Gibbs hadn't caught them... because if he _had_, he'd have ground the truth out of them and found him by now. This time, there wasn't going to be a dramatic, last minute rescue... not like the sewers... Jeffery White... Somalia... oh, no... the Potomac. For a moment, the pale blue sky turned to dirty grey water, it was loud in his ears, and he was seeing Gibbs' eyes, open but lifeless..._Don't go there. If these are your last thoughts, DiNozzo, don't waste them on horrors that never were. Gibbs is alive. That's OK. That's more than OK._

He looked lazily at the sky, without any particular interest, then perked up. An aircraft flying very high had left an arrow-straight contrail from east to west... well, he thought it was east to west. Now, as he watched, fascinated, another bisected it, making a huge X in the sky. X... the unknown... the Great Unknown. The planes knew where they were going – he didn't. He really didn't. Heaven? Hell? Were there really such paces? Did he want eternal bliss any more than he wanted eternal torment?

Torment... pain shot through his forearm without warning, as if his body had been listening to him and thought it ought to practise. Did he deserve Hell? He'd never in his life willingly been on the side of the bad, yet he'd done bad things, hadn't he? Were all the people he'd killed just waiting there on the other side to tear him to pieces? Saleem with his needle and his knife? Jeffrey with _his_?

_Huh. I'll take my chances... I did some good, didn't I? I didn't end up in the gutter, Dad, although you'd be surprised where I __**did**__ end up... Doesn't pulling Gibbs and Maddie out of that car count for something? Hey, those two men I shot – didn't even know their names at the time. Killed them anyhow. Maybe they're waiting for me... Well, what about getting Jason out of the burning building, then?_

That thought was cut off by the vision of a small child, blazing flames all over her, holding her arms out to him. He cried out in horror, screwed his eyes up and jerked his head away, breathing heavily. He had to calm himself, because the cracked ribs reminded him they were still there. Torment... yes, getting in its first digs...

_You know what I'd like?_ he asked the sky conversationally. The giant X was still there, thicker and more fluffy now, and blown further to his left. _The unknown... X... all the questions I've never been able to answer... I'd like to be a... an entity... no body, just a mind, flying through the cosmos at the speed of thought. I want to visit the edge of the universe... thread myself through the space between the stars. I want to know what the centre of the galaxy's like... if there's a black hole there like they say, I'd be OK to go through it wouldn't I? No body to crush down to sub-atomics... and then I'd __**know**__ what's on the other side. Might be worth dying for an adventure like that!_

_Sub-atomics... there's a thought. Maybe I could get my entity down to the size of an atom, and see what it's like inside a living cell... or... maybe I could watch my friends... they wouldn't know, but... maybe I could be their guardian angel. _

He laughed bitterly aloud, angry at his own foolishness. _Anthony, Anthony... if there were guardian angels, Kate would still be alive. No... I'd be more likely to find myself watching helplessly while somebody else died. I mustn't ever, ever watch Abby. Why is it always the women? My girls? _

Faces hovered above him; Kate, Paula, Jenny, Jackie Vance... he winced at that – where in the universe was it OK for a good, wise and decent woman like her to die as pointlessly as she'd done? Ziva could have been up there too... Even Michelle Lee was there – _his_ Probie. Those four months – had he trained her so badly she found it easy to become a traitor? She could have come to him... if she was terrified of Gibbs she could at least have come to him! _Chalk that one up to you, DiNozzo... could have done better._

_I got Ziva back, didn't I? DiNozzo's luck is all. You didn't know you'd find her alive... carrying out vengeance doesn't qualify you for Heaven... _

_Don't want Heaven anyway. That means there's nothing else left to do. What did I say? Eternal bliss? Nah. I want to go on __**doing**__ something. Like, doing something useful. Making a difference. _He sighed. What it boiled down to was that no matter how shit-sided life was, it was what he did best, and it was OK. And if the next life wasn't more of the same, he had a heck of a learning curve to face.

He could do it. It was going to be an adventure, remember; he was up for a new adventure. He sighed again; he was swinging like a pendulum here. A shiver of something... almost _excitement_ ran through him. It wouldn't be long, and he'd find out. He wished he'd been able to say goodbye to his friends, but that, like everything else, was beyond him now. The X in the sky had almost blown away to wispy nothing; he sent a heart-felt farewell out into the ether, and hoped it touched a heart somewhere. The wave that came back to wash over him, as the X dissolved and his consciousness with it, felt like a hug from Abby.

NCISNCISNCIS

He would never know that the happenstance that saved him was the argument between a teenager in bratty mode, and a mother losing patience.

"Honestly, Ryan, we've spent all this money on hiring this beautiful boat, and for three days you've done nothing but sit there and play with that DF. DB. DS. Whatever. There's a whole world out there, and yours is eight inches square. I swear if you don't put it down soon, I'm going to throw it overboard!"

Mrs Hayward seemed just about incensed enough to actually do it, and her son snapped it shut with a bad grace. He slouched off down to the living area, and returned with a pair of binoculars, with which he began, ostentatiously, to scan the cliffs. Nothing was said for a good fifteen minutes, then:- "Mom! Dad! There's a dead body on the rocks!"

"Ryan, _really!_ What –"

"Mom, _look!_"

It was his dad who seized the glasses. "Dammit, Marcie, he's right!"

NCISNCISNCIS

Tony cracked an eye open... no dazzling white light, no music... no flames and little red devils either. Great heavy cast on ankle. McGee and Abby jammed awkwardly into the same chair, tangled up in each other. Empty coffee cup on the trolley-table that said Gibbs was somewhere nearby. No doubt Ziva and Ducky too... God love them all. Well, well, well... another dramatic, last minute rescue after all... more of the same, and no need for a heck of a learning curve. Yep, he was fine with that.

The adventure would have to be postponed indefinitely... and a tiny, tiny bit of him was disappointed.

**AN: Don't think I've ever written anything this odd before... must be in a funny mood.**


End file.
